Book of Genesis
To mark the launch of the new Web site, in celebration of the tour-announcement and to raise a little awareness of the Biblical Morality series, the entire book of Genesis is now available absolutely free.
Delve into the unspeakable but fun atrocities of Noah, Abraham, Jacob and Joseph over a 2,400-year epoch. You can read each chapter right here on the site or you can download the free ePub file and read it on-the-go ... or both, I guess.
But right here is the only place where you can comment directly on each chapter, and I encourage you to do so.
Once upon a time,1 there was a god named Elohim. And He made everything, in the following order:
Lord Elohim put Man in charge, and told him that he can eat all the herbs and fruit he wants.
And He was very happy.
[return] 1 You didn’t really expect me to start with “In the beginning,” did you? That’s SUCH a cliché!
[return] 2 Only Elohim, in His Eternal Coolness, could wait three whole days between making Light and making the source of that Light. Scholars of ancient mythology reached a consensus long ago that the other gods were only able to wait a day, day-and-a-half at the most.
For your reference, here's the King James version ... in an annoying, tiny font, just the way you see it in books!
1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. 3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. 5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day. 6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters. 7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so. 8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. 9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. 10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good. 11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. 12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 13 And the evening and the morning were the third day. 14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: 15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so. 16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. 17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, 18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good. 19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. 20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. 21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. 23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. 24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. 25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. 29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. 30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. 31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
- Genesis 02. The Creation of Man
- Genesis 03. The Forbidden Fruit
- Genesis 04. Sibling Rivalry
- Genesis 05. Time-line: Adam to Noah
- Genesis 06. God Decides to Kill Everyone
- Genesis 07. God Kills Everyone
- Genesis 08. God Turns Over a New Leaf
- Genesis 09. God Makes a Rainbow, Noah Gets Tanked
- Genesis 10-11. Time-line: Noah to Abraham
- Genesis 11. God Gets Spiteful at Babel
- Genesis 12. Abram Scams the Pharaoh
- Genesis 13. God gives Abram Even More Stuff
- Genesis 14. Big War, Abram Kicks Butt
- Genesis 15. God Talks About Family
- Genesis 16. Gross Misuse of a Maidservant
- Genesis 17. The World’s First Bris
- Genesis 18. Abraham Bugs God About Sodom
- Genesis 19. Origins Of The Word “Sodomy”
- Genesis 20. Abraham Pulls Another Scam
- Genesis 21. A Birth, A Banishing And A Pledge
- Genesis 22. Abraham Stabs His Only Son To Death
- Genesis 23. Sarah Dies
- Genesis 24. Isaac Gets Hitched
- Genesis 25a. Timeline: Abraham to Jacob
- Genesis 25b. Isaac’s Twin Sons
- Genesis 26. Isaac and Abimelech Make A Peace Treaty
- Genesis 27. Rebekah and Jacob Trick Isaac and Swindle Esau
- Genesis 28. Esau Gets Married Again, Jacob Sets Off
- Genesis 29-30. Time-line: Jacob & Sons (& Daughter)
- Genesis 29. Jacob Ties Two Knots
- Genesis 30a. Jacob Snogs The Maids
- Genesis 30b. Jacob Scams Uncle Laban
- Genesis 31. Jacob Goes Home To Dad
- Genesis 32. Jacob Prepares to Meet His Brother
- Genesis 33. Jacob & Esau Reunite
- Genesis 34. Sex, Deceit and Murder
- Genesis 35. Rachel & Isaac Die
- Genesis 36. Time-line: Esau
- Genesis 37. Dreams and Slavery – Joseph’s Saga Begins
- Genesis 38. The Incestuous Family of Judah
- Genesis 39. Hell Hath no Fury...
- Genesis 40. Joseph’s Uncanny Dream Interpretations
- Genesis 41. Joseph is Freed and Seriously Promoted
- Genesis 42. Payback for Joseph’s Brothers
- Genesis 43. Joseph has a Family Dinner
- Genesis 44. Joseph Sets His Brothers Up... Again
- Genesis 45. Joseph Exposes Himself
- Genesis 46. Israel and Joseph Reunite
- Genesis 47. Joseph Cons all of Egypt into Servitude
- Genesis 48. Israel blesses Joseph’s Boys
- Genesis 49. Israel Discovers Metaphors and Dies
- Genesis 50. Joseph’s Epitaph
- Exodus to Deuteronomy