"Falzon’s accessible and jokey paraphrasing, complete with footnotes that alternate between informative and comedic (though sometimes both) makes the Bible's inglorious parts impossible to ignore." -- The Front Page Online
MORIAH, 1841 BC - Religious icon and founder of three of the most popular faiths in the world, Abraham of Canaan, was arrested last week on charges of child-abuse.
Witnesses say Abraham lured his son Isaac, 13, to a mountain-top altar, ostensibly to perform a routine ritual sacrifice of a lamb to his Canaanite warrior-god Yahweh, when he suddenly bound his son's hands and feet, declaring an intent to use Isaac as the sacrifice. Although his father did not ultimately carry out the ritual, young Isaac was quite shaken from the ordeal. When it was discovered that Abraham had also allegedly severed a portion of his son's penis while still an infant, Child Services was called immediately.
Investigating officers released a statement yesterday advising that, from his holding cell where he awaits trial, Abraham has claimed that Yahweh ordered him to sacrifice his son, but later reversed the order. On further questioning, Abraham admitted that he would have proceeded with killing Isaac if not for the last-second change of orders from Yahweh.
This morning's statement from Child Services advises that Isaac is still visibly shaken and may never recover from last week's events. "This kind of trauma, particularly when caused by a parent, will scar a person for their whole life," a spokesperson said. "It is small comfort to the boy that his father claims he had divine orders."
In an unusual move, police have released a deposition from an eye-witness, in order for the public to properly understand the seriousness of this alleged crime.
The District Attorney's office is already preparing what they say is a "very strong case indeed" against Abraham. It is anticipated that their star witness will be the defendant's estranged son Ishmael, 28, whom Abraham allegedly banished into the wilderness as a teenager.
The trial commences next week.